I'm not happy.

I'm not confused, either, though.

I only come on here when I feel restless.

I hate that I know a million different things that I want, but they all conflict with eachother.

Lately I've been thinking that I want, need, to feel some kind of incredible sadness, but I'm not one to jeopardize myself. Plus if I made myself unhappy it would be like cheating. I would've meant for it to happen. I would gain some sense of satisfaction from attaining my goal. This type of tragedy would have to come straight out of left field. I would say its pathetic that i should wish something awful on myself, but it isn't true. I don't feel pathetic. I feel... bored.

I'm a firm believer that one can't experience extreme happiness without extreme sadness. Emotions are all relative to eachother. What is feeling scared without being safe? Would you still get that cold, deep feeling in your stomach if you had never known warmth and security? Or would you just get used to it? Or would it still feel cold, dark, and deep?

When I get scared I feel it the most in my extremities. Like the adrenaline is trying to find the quickest way out, or quickest way in. I'm not sure.

I wish it wasn't like... cheesy or whatever the hell you call it to embrace your 'darker side.' Actually, I wis hthere was a good way for me to do it. I know exactly what I'm trying to say but I don't want to say it. I want to lie, cheat, steal, tease, but I don't. I guess this all goes bac kto me knowing what I want.

I want to be the sexy librarian, the flower child, the anime geek, everything, everything ,everything.

I know exactly who I am, I bleed from every word I speak and every move I make, but I want to know what its like to be everyone else. I want to walk a mile in your shoes. Get inside your head.

Take me for a ride?

Everyone has their own brand of loneliness, it seems like. The outcast, the misunderstood beauty queen, pretty much every kid with an ounce of angst or two. I recently read a book that said loneliness was the human condition. At the time, I cast it off as mere cynicism, as aided by the fact a cynic said it, but I'm starting to pull it back onto the table.

It is the human condition because it is an endless cycle. We are all so consumed with the fact that we feel misunderstood that we don't try to see anyone else's point of view. I don't know, that feels kind of like a weak argument to me, though.

I think it's too soon for me to start looking inward on this one, but I don't think I'll ever really want to.

I'm at a really good place right now. I'm not positive why, but i think it's because I took a step back from my social life and started concentrating on me, school, and volleyball. I feel good. Not great,but I'm REALLY okay with that. Being at 100% can be exhausting. Im at a very comfortable 70% right now.

We might go on a cruise at the end of May and I am determined to have an awesomely hawt bod. A bikini bod, if you will.

:) I want my birthday to come.